


Thoughts From The Inside

by magicandmazes



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes-centric, Conditioning, Gen, Hydra (Marvel), The Winter Soldier - Freeform, Thought Reform, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-04
Updated: 2016-11-04
Packaged: 2018-08-29 01:49:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8470903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magicandmazes/pseuds/magicandmazes
Summary: He wakes, dreaming of (his friends, his family) strangers that laugh (with) at him.Their names are faded and flickering, and they are (light) darkness is a sky of (storms) stars.Maybe soon he will forget them, leave them all behind.Maybe then, at last, he will finally (go insane) be free.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Basically just some of Bucky's thoughts from his time inside the HYDRA facility. Slightly canon-divergent but oh well.  
> Please bear in mind that there is mention of mental conditioning, war wounds and mild mention of abuse (courtesy of HYDRA) so just warning you if that sort of thing upsets you for any reason.

He's been drifting for (too long) a while now.

A steady stream of (torturers) doctors have come to (damage) see him, twisting and stretching his limbs and slipping needles under his skin, but he had stopped (fighting back) caring long ago.

Once, (definitely) maybe, he would have fought back, kicked and punched and ripped his way free but he had (been punished so badly, so, so badly) stopped struggling after he tried to (escape) move the first time.

But there is (every) no reason to be afraid.

He is (terrified) safe here.

There is nothing to (live for, not any more) fear.

\----------------------------------------------------------------- (My name is Bucky Barnes, and Steve will come for me soon.)

He wakes, dreaming of (his friends, his family) strangers that laugh (with) at him, and (try to save him from) make certain his fall.

Their names are faded and flickering, and they are (light) darkness is a sky of (storms) stars.

Maybe soon he will forget them, leave them all behind.

Maybe then, at last, he will finally (go insane) be free. 

There has been talk of replacing his lost arm with another, but he (remembers from before) was under the impression that this is impossible.

He recollects seeing old war veterans losing limbs and (going home) returning helpless.

But he is (different) special.

HYDRA have told him so, and when HYDRA tell you something then it must be (a lie) the truth.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------- (My name is Bucky Barnes, and Steve will come for me soon.)

He has been (forced to learn) trained to use his new metal arm.

For a while he (hopefully) stupidly considered using it to (kill them all) escape, but this was (beaten out of him) not encouraged by his (jailers) handlers.

Back when he was still (human) ordinary, he is sure that he would have been (appalled) delighted.

Or, at least, he thinks he would have been (appalled) delighted.

He can't remember the last time anyone would care.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------- (My name is Bucky, and Steve will come for me soon.)

He is faster and stronger than he has ever been before.

He is trained every day with (too short) sufficient breaks for (food) nutrition.

His (captors) handlers are (demanding) suggesting that he uses his new name to refer to himself.

Inside, deep down where he knows nobody can see, he (hates) doesn't mind being called 'the Asset'.

(Unfortunately) At least he is useful to those who have been (his torturers) kind to him, taken him in and (murdered) improved the man he used to be.

He is (dreading) waiting for the day when the (murderers) doctors come and erase (Bucky, that's his name, they can't take that away from him) whatever it was that he was before.

He knows that it can't be long now.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------- (My name is Bucky, and Steve will come soon.)

His mind is fast, faster than he ever thought possible.

The voice in the back of his head is (still here, still fighting) nearly gone.

He told his handlers about it once, and since then they have done a very good job of (ripping it out) removing it.

Sometimes he wonders if HYDRA are doing something to his head, maybe in the same way they fix his metal arm.

Even though they (knock him out) sedate him, he has blurry memories of wires being (torn out) removed and electric shocks that are so (painful, so very painful) bad that his (nerves) sensory receptors (don't work) are offline for a while.

He imagines that happening to his brain, (and screams) but doesn't react.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------- (My name is Bucky, and help will come soon.)

He is the Asset.

(no, no, he is Bucky Barnes, no, no, no, he is Bucky Barnes)

He is the property of HYDRA.

(no, he is a soldier, he is Sergeant James Barnes, he served in the US Army)

He has no emotions.

(no, no, no, he can feel, of course he can feel, what sort of man has no emotions, no)

He has no fear.

(no, he is scared, he is so afraid, no, no, he is terrified, no, no, no)

He is a weapon.

(no, no, he is not a weapon, he is just a boy from Brooklyn, just a boy, no)

He is the Winter Soldier.

(no, he is Bucky, he is human, no, no, no)

He is the Winter Soldier.

(no, no, no, no, no)

He is the Winter Soldier.

(no)

Hail HYDRA.

(no)

Hail Hydra.

(no)

Hail HYDRA.

(stop.)

Hail HYDRA.

(hail HYDRA.)


End file.
